


Letters to John Egbert and whoever else it may concern

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Love Letters, M/M, Pining, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Unrequited Love, and dave is stupid, because cannon bro is ass, except not really unrequited love, fanon Bro - Freeform, implied trans boy dave, john is just internally homophobic, slow transition into storytelling, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-01-25 13:17:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21356851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: sup j dogim writing these and all that jazz to "cope" with my "feelings" because cause my therapist regina told me toshe told me to write it to someone i love and i know she meant someone close to me and not someone i am in love with but i didnt know who else to write to
Relationships: John Egbert/Dave Strider
Comments: 11
Kudos: 79





	1. #1

1/10/2012

sup j dog

im writing these and all that jazz to "cope" with my "feelings" because cause my therapist regina told me to  
she told me to write it to someone i love and i know she meant someone close to me and not someone i am in love with but i didnt know who else to write to  
so here goes  
it's really weird being in love with you because youre such a dumbass  
an oblivious dumbass  
i could throw a rock at you with the words "dave strider is a fat homosexual and he likes you" and youd still do that thing where you go "hmm" and get this really serious thinking face like youre about to go all sherlock holmes and solve a mystery  
but instead  
youd just say "are you sure"  
and id laugh  
and say no because im too scared of getting my heart broken  
i have these moments where  
like  
I already know im in love with you  
but  
i have these moments that just really solidify my head over heels stupidity for you  
like that time we went to karter from chem classes party  
we were hanging out in one of the rooms because the party was too loud for me  
you dropped everything when you realized how loud it was because you know i dont like loud noises  
anyways  
you were drunk out of your mind  
youre such a lightweight btw  
i dont think that you had had an ounce of alcohol in your life  
thats so you though  
never getting into trouble  
after a while we decided to leave and as i was about to exit the room you tapped my shoulder  
so i turned around  
and you fucking kissed me  
you  
kissed me  
it wasnt anything special like a long kiss just a peck on the lips but still a kiss  
and i really wanted to kiss you back and bring you back to that bed and cuddle with you and run my hands through your hair and do everything  
but i didnt  
because you were drunk  
and i was a good friend  
so i just picked you up *.°bridal style°.* and brought you back to my car and said "lets get you home buddy"  
but you got worried your dad was gonna be mad at you so i took you to my house and you spent the night on the couch  
i kind of regret not inviting you to sleep in my bed  
but i took care of you the next morning  
you kinda vomited fucking everywhere on my carpet and it was really gross  
bro got really mad after i dropped you off because as stated before you fucking vomited all over my carpet  
its fine though cause i cleaned it up  
i was really tired after that though  
being 16 kinda sucks because we make dumb decisions and then i have to clean it up  
it's fine though  
id do anything for you

sometimes i think im sick  
but like  
not the normal kind of sick where you vomit and everythings fine again  
i think im sick like... forever  
whenever i wake up im tired and sometimes i get really upset about small things and spirals into me feeling worse and worse and i feel like i need to vomit and cry and i get a headache all at once  
and like  
i think about death a lot too  
its weird  
i want to die  
i dont want to kill my self though  
im too scared to kill myself  
but ar the same time if i walked across a railroad without looking and "accidentally" got hit by a train i also wouldnt mind  
i havent told regina because she'll have to legally tell bro and bros all nice and stuff but he really overdoes it when hes worried about me and i dont want to deal with that  
regina said its depression so yeah i guess im sick  
it kind of sucks  
i dont care about anything but i also care enough to live  
its pretty wild  
also i get urges to hurt myself really bad  
and i never really tried to resist those urges  
im pretty sure you can figure out what that means

bluh this letter has gotten to long and dumb  
im not even gonna give it to you but still

later


	2. #2

1/13/2012 

Yo egbert 

today kinda sucked  
i was workin up the courage to tell you how i feel today and i really was going to even though its dumb since you dont like me and all but whatever  
so i asked you to meet me at lunch  
and once we were in private i was super convinced i was gonna confess like some sugoi anime girl under the cherry blossoms  
but then you stared at me really expectantly with those (really pretty) blue eyes of yours and suddenly i couldnt tell you  
you said i looked really nervous so you held my hand your such a dork  
a huge dork you know that?  
youre so caring over the tiniest thing  
anyways i just ended up telling you how i got diagnosed with clinical depression last week and how im always tired when i wake up and how i cry when bro takes the last soda even though its dumb or how i cry when im happy because i dont know how to handle it or how i bite my cuticles at school because i cant cut and I stopped when i realized what i said  
you asked me to show you my arm  
and i dont know why but i did  
you started crying and started to kiss every single scar on my arm  
your lips felt really soft on my arm and you were wearing my favorite chapstick  
the mint one  
i could tell because my arm smelled like your lips the rest of the day  
and it was really gay because you didnt say no homo but i didnt say anything because your lips felt really nice and i didnt want the moment to stop  
you finally gotten to the last scar and had counted 36 put loud  
i hadnt realized i was already crying but i started crying harder and you held me and petted my hair and told me everything was gonna be okay  
and i remember because i felt really safe  
and i never feel like that  
you even walked me over to the counselors office after that  
such a gentleman  
im swooning  
the rest of the day was okay  
the counselor let me stay in his room until the end of school so that was cool i guess  
he even gave me some apple juice  
you better step up your game john and sweep me off my feet before this man does  
nah haha jk im already head over heels for you  
and im here to stay even if you want me to leave  
bro hugged me when i got home and told me the counselor called him when i told them about my self harm scars  
and it was weird  
because  
bro has never hugged me in my life it felt good  


man i listed a lot more positives than i thought i would  
i guess today didnt suck as much as i thought  
thinking about you made me feel better  
so uh  
thanks  


peace


	3. #3

1/20/2012 

john 

today you kissed me and that shouldve been awesome but it wasnt  
i dont remember exactly what happened  
i think we were rough housing in the locker room after everyone else had left  
we were just messing around like we always do and you shoved me against the lockers and pinned my hands above my heads like some wattpad fanfic shit and you had to yell some dorky thing about how you had achieved victory  
it was really cute  
and then you just sort of stared at me and i stared back at you  
and there had to be some disney magic shit in there because you leaned over and you kissed me  
you  
kissed me  
your lips were still as soft as they were on my arm and you were wearing cherry chapstick today  
i hate cherry chapstick  
but i love you  
i kissed back and suddenly your eyes flew open and you leaned away  
you shoved me backwards which was kind of dumb because i was already leaning against lockers  
you told me you weren't gay and i told you i know so you told me again  
i tried to yell out your name when you started to walk away but you said you had to leave  
i hid in the stalls for the rest of the day and cried my legs were really cramped after that  
in hindsight it was a dumb idea because we always meet in the locker room after school  
you came in and called my name and i forced myself to stop crying because i didnt want you to hear me  
you finally left after twenty minutes  
i didnt go home for an hour after that  
basically what im getting at is  
it doesnt matter that you kissed me first  
im still at fault for thinking you could ever like me back im sorry for kissing you  
im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry

You scribble out whatever else you wrote at the bottom of the letter.  
You scribble so hard and with so much anger you rip the paper.

Tomorrow will be better.


	4. #4

1/22/2012 

johnathan 

today was better  
you kind of ignored me yesterday and it sort of hurt my non-existant fragile strider feelings  
but its all good because you said hi to me today and apologized even though it was my fault  
also you handed me some apple juice which was pretty bomb  
and i got that dumb fuzzy feeling inside when your hand brushed over mine  
i know i should really try to ditch this whole homo crush on you because you dont like me back but i really cant  
i think you might be the only thing keeping me alive right now  
like sometimes when i hang out with you i dont feel like dying  
or hurting myself  
or even sad  
and i think thats really cool  
plus today you asked to hang out  
so we did  
i was sad we couldnt have a sleepover cause it was a school night but whatever  
it was really fun  
we played mario kart (i totally kicked your ass btw) and went to the mall  
we sorta made fun of all the girly advertisements by striking poses to mock the models  
and then we bought some of the girls clothing because "irony"  
i actually just really wanted to see you in a crop top  
and uhggg  
UGHHHHHH  
Hhhhhhhhhhhh  
you looked so good  
your stomach looked really soft and i just hnbbfbbbbb  
im gay  
IM GAYYYYYY  
sorry had to get that out of my system  
you also wore skinny jeans and your legs looked super nice  
jesus christ i am hopelessly in love with you  
like some fucking girl in a high school movie falling head over heels for the epic jock  
yeah egbert  
i called you the jock and me the school girl  
what you gonna do about it?  
haha  
anyways I wore a skirt and stockings and of course i looked hella good  
cause im me  
haha no nvm  
i dont like how i look  
at all  
my legs are too femminine  
and my stomach is too pudgy  
and my face is too round  
but when i was with you today i didnt even think about that  
and i kind of felt good  
about myself yknow  
and i didnt completely feel like chucking myself off a cliff today  
so thanks  
again  


i was thinking about it more and i realized something  
on friday  
you stole mt first kiss  
i should be mad  
it was kind of selfish of you  
especially with happened afterwards  
but im not  
im really happy you were my first kiss  
i know i shouldnt be because you didnt like it  
and i cried for like three hours straight afterwards  
maybe im just fucked in the head  
yeah  
thatd make sense  


-strider


	5. #5

12/3/2012 

derp 

uh sorry for not writing for a while  
i guess i just didnt really have a need to  
i was unmotivated for a while  
but then i actually felt happy for a good while  
two months  
it felt really nice  
but im kind of upset because i think im relapsing  
and im mad too cause its my fucking birthday  
what kind of bullshit is that?  
god really said  
"hey strider happy birthday dumbshit heres that depression you ordered happy fuckin birthday"  
and left  
what the fuck god  
at least i got the school day off  
also you convinced your dad to give you the school day off so we could hang out for my birthday  
it was really fun  
we went out to eat  
bro was actually generous enough to give me money haha  
guy acts like hes tough and doesnt care but i know he cares about me  
and we went and saw a movie too  
and it was nice because i was really nervous at first but i held your hand  
and you ler me  
so that made me really happy  
you also got a gift for me  
it was a crow plushie because you know i like crows  
you told me  
"oh yeah i got you this because i know you love crows! every time we're outside and you see one you stop and point and yell "CROW!""  
and you know what  
fuck you for being right  
and i told you  
"fuck you egbert stuffed animals is little kids shit"  
but i was smiling  
and i love it  
so much  
it smells like you too  
you probably bought this like a month in advance you dork  
but then you left  
and i felt sad  
and i havent felt like that for a while  
so now im even more sad and mad  
im just kind of sitting here with pent up frustration and i dont know what to do with it  
i think i might just try to sleep it off  
and if im relapsing  
then  
fuck  


adios 

You gently set the paper and red pen on the dresser next to you and cuddle down into your sheets. You feel cold and numb again for the first time in months. 

You grab the crow plsuhie Egbert got you for your birthday and cuddle it closer to your body. You slightly smile as you regain some warmth and fall into sleep.


	6. #6

You rush into your room, slamming the door behind you. You lean against the door and sink to the floor on shaky legs until you're sitting. You slink your legs up and bury your face into your knees, sobbing loudly. You can't face your best friend ever again.

You finally get up and began hurriedly scribbling down your letter.

12/11/2012 

JOHN 

fuck  
im sorry  
holy shit im so sorry  
i told you i liked you  
and i know you dont like me  
youre not gay  
you told me  
i dont know why i told you i liked you  
i wanted to get it off my chest  
but i  
i didnt think  
i didnt think it would hurt as much when you said you didnt like me  
i started crying in front of you  
im still crying  
i fucked it up  
i fucked all of it up  
you're never gonna talk to me again holy shit  
fuck  
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck  


\---------------------

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] 

EB: dave?

you freeze.


	7. #7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha sorry for short updates but they should be getting lengthier soon.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] 

EB: dave?

EB: i uh, 

TG: egbert holy shit

TG: i thought you would never talk to me again 

TG: im so sorry i dont know why i told you i liked you i know youre not gay and you dont like me so 

EB: dave! 

EB: it's fine! i swear! 

TG: you sure? 

EB: of course! 

EB: and uh, 

EB: sorry for making you cry. :( 

EB: i don't think i've ever seen you cry! 

TG: wow 

TG: way to make me feel better 

TG: reminding me i havent been emotionally vulnerable in front of people for years 

TG: john egbert ceo of comfort 

EB: fuck! sorry! 

TG: pfft it fine 

TG: its fine 

TG: i shouldnt have told you how i felt 

TG: i know youre straight

EB: uhm about that 

TG: ? 

EB: i uh, 

EB: i think im bi

TG: ... 

TG: hi bi im dave 

EB: dave! 

EB: this is serious! 

TG: haha 

TG: sorry 

TG: seriously im glad youre figuring yourself 

EB: hehe thanks! :P 

EB: also, 

EB: about my answer earlier, 

EB: uhm, this isn't a yes but i was wondering if it's be okay if i changed my mind? 

EB: i'm still figuring my stuff out! 

EB: so could you wait for me? 

TG: YES 

TG: i mean 

TG: yeah of course 

TG: and 

TG: im really proud of you for coming out 

TG: i hope you can figure yourself out 

EB: hehe! 

EB: thanks dave! :) 

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] 

Wow. That went way better than you thought it would. A lot better than thirty-minutes-ago you would've expected. You're still smiling and your heart is pounding in your chest. 

You shut off your computer and jump to your bed, shuffling beneath the sheets. You're still tired from crying earlier. You hug that goddamn plushie from Egbert closely. You think tomorrow will be a better day.


	8. #8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry if this sucks I am ???? Just super not existing what is mental health ha h ???????

You're up the next morning and already in a better mood than yesterday. You don't even fight your bro about going to school today, you just get ready and leave. Bro could've sworn there was a small smile on your face. 

Your excitement simmers down a bit by the time you reach school once you're reminded you don't see John until the second period but you're still bouncing on your heels slightly. 

You try to contain your excitement in an attempt to save your cool kid facade but you can't help but let your leg bounce all throughout first period. You feel every single minute drag by and you're burdened by boredom until the bell finally rings and you let out a sigh you didn't realize you were holding in. You grab your backpack and rush out as quickly as you can, joining the plethora of kids spilling out into the halls.

You rush into English as fast as you can, searching for John. Once you spot him, your cool kid act basically drops off the face of the earth as you run up to him and hug him tightly. He lets out a slight 'oof'

"Jeez! Hi Dave!" He returns the hug.

You chuckle and let go of him. "What? Homie can miss his best bro?"

"No. I've actually decided it's illegal to miss your best friend. Put your hands up Strider, we have you surrounded." His cheeks puff out as he attempts to hold in his laughter. 

You decide to play along and lazily throw your hands into the air. "Oh officer, I've been bad. You'll have to punish me~"

He bursts until hysterical giggling and playfully shoves you. "Dude! Shut up!"

You also giggle as the last bell rings. You both scurry off to your seats and wait for the period to end.

John's weird relative Mr.English teaches English and you'd constantly tease him for it. You just found it funny that John is accelerated in English skills because it's pretty obvious Mr.English has no clue what he's talking about most classes.

When the bell rings for the period to end you immediately hope up and strider over to John. You both walk out into the hallway where he stops and turns to you with a, “Hey Dave, guess what.”

You humor him. “Sup Egbert?”

He casually slips his hand into yours, intertwining your fingers and continues walking, dragging you along. You have a hard time hiding your blushing face and shoving down your smile all the way to third period.

The rest of the day went by fairly quickly, meeting John in the locker room like you always did after school. Today’s plan was to go to John’s house and just hang out until Bro texted you asking you where the hell you were and to haul your ass home.

You played Mario kart and John made a copious amount of nachos the entire time. You laughed every single time he screamed at you for hitting him with a blue shell. You spent the rest of the night laughing hysterically at each other until your phone buzzed with a text from bro.

You got up after telling John you had to leave and headed towards the door. 

Before you could leave, John turned you around at the door and took a nervous breath. “Dave, I think I want to give this a try. Y’know, us.” He vaguely gestures between you and him.

You freeze and you swear your heart is about leap out of your chest. “Really?” Is all you can must because you feel like you’re going to burst from excitement.

He nods and you leap forward, hugging him super tightly. You both know you’re crying slightly, but neither of you mention it as he hugs you back, quietly chuckling. 

You walk the rest of the way home with a huge grin on your face.

\---------------------------- 

12/12/2012 

John egbert 

I love you :)


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a HUGE VENT chapter so like may not seem relevant right now but itll come up later in the story
> 
> ALSO I AM SO SORRY THE FIRST UPDATE IN MONTHS IS SO SHORT

1/20/2013 

GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT I AM SO TIRED I CANT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE IM SO TIRED OF LIVING I CANT CONTROL ANYTHING 

all i do is bitch and whine I'm so sorry egbert has to deal with me im such an annoying burden seriously he always asks if im okay and he comforts me and I can tell hes tired im so sorry i cant do anything right for you 

you should have never dated me i just ruined everything i need to cut off all my relationships because i just annoy everyone 

i feel like dying 

you write with your pen so hard it rips the paper. You dont know why you're so mad and upset but you cant stop crying every time John texts you, asking where you are and if you're okay. You hold back a choked sob and cry yourself to sleep at your own desk.


End file.
